Dear Savvy Woman,

Melanie Notkin, the founder of www.SavvyAuntie.com, where I contribute articles on Be-ing Love Savvy (check it out their fun resources/gift ideas/community), recently asked me if I would be interested in writing an article on texing and dating. I’m going to post a little something here to get things going as I’ve felt a little writer’s block recently.

The Good: Texting can be an easy, instant way to communicate. I often hear my single clients and friends exclaiming things like, “He texted me right away!” (after meeting); “The text he sent after our date was SOOOO sweet (thoughtful…polite…and of course, the ‘other’ category).

The Bad: Texting gives instant access, which can be bad. The ‘date’ almost gets taken out of dating, in a way. Now, if you fall victim to it, you are messaging back with ‘Joe’, whom you met out earlier in the night, and Joe’s (and you too, perhaps) feeling mighty relaxed – after a banter of 6 messages, he decides to ask you out via text. And then he sends a text ‘running late.’ After the first date, which you realize was based upon meeting and conversing with him while intoxicated on both wine and ‘text-fever’, neither which are grounded in reality, you don’t return his text the following day. Joe texts, ‘What’s up, sugar? Missing you.’. What happens next can be….

The Ugly: Just like ‘Drunk Dialing’, texting can get dangerously ugly. With or without being fueled by intoxication. It’s a steeper slope than email – you know, that loss of inhibitions we’ve all been on one or both ends of, venting or confessing through written word and the ‘Send’ button. It’s steeper because it’s so accessible and so instant, and you don’t need to formally address anyone, either. Joe may be a real stand up guy (or at least at one time was). Problem is, we begin to get comfy in our habits, and things get reduced to the lowest common denominator. Texting. People are breaking up via texting, people are receiving texts that they shouldn’t be (oops – watch that address book!), and on and on it goes.

Hmmm…feeling a little warmed up.

Feel free to send me your thoughts and comments – I’d love to hear from you!

Do you feel that texting in dating and relating is a hindrence? A benefit? Both?

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

Yes, I did mean futured.

What is futured, you ask?

You’ve been there.  You’re on a date with ‘Joe’, a first date.  Joe not only shows up on time, with flowers, and takes you to a lovely restaurant for dinner and a bottle of wine, but that’s just the beginning.  Even if you’re date-deprived and loving the gestures, you haven’t even begun to “Mr. Right?” him, believe it or not.  Until…

Joe futures you.“Have you been to Yosemite?…We rent a huge house there every Fall, we’ll have to go on one of the week-ends I’ll have it to myself – it’s s000 nice to jacuzzi after a long hike.  I can’t wait to take you there.”  You are now noticing, between bites of steak and sips of Zinfandel, that your mind wanders to imagine how he’ll fit in with your family, what travel you can do first, perhaps even if you’ll have the same taste on your registry.

I think many of us who do (or have done, in our lives) our fair share of dating have been here -  yes?

I recall a specific guy that I dated , and our first date.  WOW – did he future me.  Talks of trips, the fact that we both fantasized about living in Spain – it went on and on.  And – guess what?   I WAS HOOKED.  The following 6 weeks were like I was under some sort of spell.  Things went fast – and then crashed and burned. 

I write this as a friendly reminder.  Beware of being futured.  The smartest and savviest of women can – and do - fall prey. 

Tips to stay conscious and futured-aware:

-  Proof is in the Pudding – make this your rule:  Keep control of the pace that feels right to you, and by this I mean the pace of your mind, specifically.  For starters, dismiss any ideas of future vacations/children’s eye color until you are well on your way to having an exclusive relationship (AND/OR month 2)!

I’m all for romance and getting a little carried away (that’s part of the fun) – but never risk more than you are willing to lose.  

- Let him know:  There’s nothing wrong with a retort that let’s him know you won’t fall for being futured.  “You haven’t met my 5 cats yet – and I don’t let them meet just anyone. ”  Show that you have perspective, and delivered with a little humor keeps things light.

Great guys can fall prey to this: they get excited too, and may be unconscious of this tendancy. Yet,  some are preditors only after one thing.

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Friend,

Why is it we are afraid to speak our truth when we’re on a date, or in a relationship?  Some of you, if you’re anything like me, present or past, might also find yourselves sweeping thoughts, desires, and opinions under the rug – in order to be accepted.  As women, many of us have a tendency to swallow our voices because we want to be approved of, liked, loved.  Maybe we do this if only occasionally.  Maybe a lot. 

We’ve all done this, and do this.  Maybe it’s big, or it’s something small.

I have client that I’m currently working with – let’s call her Jill.  Jill wants to find a loving partnership – her desire is for it to grow into marriage, although she’s not so sure about if she wants children one day, or not.

Jill’s interested in “Bill”.  She’s getting to know him, and although there are some questions as to if it could be a work-able situation to date him and see where it goes (it’s long-distance today, age difference, etc), when I asked her to consider asking him some ‘revealing’ questions on their next date, such as ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years & 10 years?’, the thought of it scared her, more than a little.  I’m coaxing her a little on this as ‘Jill’ has three relationships-over, stifled her needs and desires for the guy.  Denying her needs and wants is the ‘known’ – hence, she’s hired me. 

So I ask: Why can’t we express ourselves as we go along?  Why do we pretend to not be feeling what we are feeling? Wanting what we are wanting.   In dating, revealing too much too soon can be ‘death’.  And, not revealing enough, and a little too late = also ‘death’.  Yikes….what a fine line.

And that’s all that I had written.  I must have petered out for whatever reason.

As I scanned all my ‘saved drafts’ this morning, I knew this title would trigger more from me.

I’ve been in a bit of funk with my guy, and husband, Larry , in recent days.   Not a huge funk.  We’re speaking, playing, etc.  ‘Normal’.

AND:  somethings not quite the same.  You see, I spoke my Truth recently to him, over something that’s a pretty serious topic, yet not a ‘Huge’ topic (and,unfortunately, I can’t expound any further ). He wasn’t thrilled with my Truth.  He respects it.  But it isn’t received with open arms, a huge smile, and a ‘Thanks, that’s great.’ 

And this is a reality:  sometimes, our Truth doesn’t make the other person very happy.  It can at times cause distance, a decision to be made, change.  

But what is the alternative?  I didn’t have an alternative, as I aspire to be as honest and as direct as possible in my relationship.  It for sure is not always easy. Far from.  

I really don’t like not feeling as close and intimate with my partner as is typical. It’s quite uncomfortable.  AND, it’s part of the experience.  It’s reality.   And that’s why I’m choosing to write about it.

As women, I think we must get really comfy cozy with speaking our Truth.  We must.  It doesn’t always feel sexy, and definitely not fun. 

And, it’s really the only option -isn’t it?

With love,

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

I hear you! I’m with you – I swear!  

Despite being a married woman, I continually experience the ‘experience’ of dating via my clients and other single women in my life.   Lately, I seem to get almost as much content from being out in public next to a ‘loud talker’ at a restaurant, or in Walgreen’s on their cell.

Just last night, I was meeting a friend at a neighborhood restaurant to catch up.  I had arrived first and dove into the menu as I was starving.  I couldn’t help but hear the conversation next to me as I silently studied what I would order.

This couple obviously had just met up for a first date.  Conversation was mechanical.  I had arrived just as they were winding up.  What I over heard was them each reviewing how they ‘filtered’ with their dates:  if they went to bars or not, online dating, and even, yes – the Meyer’s Briggs.

I was so sad for these two.  

I know E-harmony does an assessement for appropriate matching – I was a client years ago.  Nothing against them, or any online dating site.

What’s next – ENFJdateme.com?

Listen, I’m all about personal development and compatibility.  I’m a coach.  

AND, no wonder we’ve lost hope as women when we hear, feel and experience this sort of pursuit of ‘the one’.

How romantic is it to discuss dating strategy with someone you are on a date with?   Absolutely ZERO.

Especially, when these ‘strategies’ are all behind a computer screen, or tallying up under ‘Zero Risk’ and ‘Proven’ columns.

Is this the reality of Modern Dating?

Maybe for some. 

But I know you, Savvy Woman. 

You don’t want this. 

And you don’t have to have it. 

The more you know yourself and know what you want, the more confident you can be in acting on what’s true for you.

Acting from love.

Not acting from fear.   Fear wants to hide behind things – take a proven way – and acts in discord from the truth of things.

I know you want to believe that you’ll have tons of fun, pleasure, light, and wonder in dating and partnering with your man.

And you can.

You must believe.

If you do – you’ll trust some of those nudges, inclinations and hunches that will lead you to fun, pleasure, light and wonder – and to him.

With love and light,

From my savvy heart to yours ~

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

I’ve had this book from Sylvia Brown on my bookshelf for probably over 10 years – and after hearing her recently on Hay House Radio, I decided I should give it a go.  I’m a serious book-slut these days.  I’m in no question not faithful to my biggest love and husband, Larry, but jeez…I can’t stay true to just one book to save my life!  But I like it this way.  And no one’s getting hurt.

But, I digress.  Back to Sylvia.  So, I pick up The Other Side and Back – A Psychic’s Guide To Our World and Beyond (given to me by a dear friend after my mom passed away, now 14 years ago) and I decide to flip around a bit and see what she’s offering up.  No surprise, I notice the chapter entitled, “Your Personal Life: A Spiritual Psychic’s View of Relationships and Families“, and decide to dive in there.  I’m curious.

I run across this funny and I’d guess to be very commonly true observation about one’s filter or shall I say, discernment, around people, intimacy and relationships.   Sylvia writes, “From my readings for thousands of clients and my own past mistakes, I’ve come to realize that most of us are more thorough, thoughtful and cautious about shopping for a car than we are about who we allow into our lives…we’ve all done or witnessed essentially that – bought on impulse – and then spent an emotional fortune trying to repair something that will never be worth  as much as we’ve put into it.”

OMG – this resonates , doesn’t it?  Years before I met Larry, my friends and family witnessed me putting my apartment in storage and flying to Toronto, Canada to spend time with a man I had not spent more than a few weeks with.  Regrets – none – but would I have benefited from more of a ‘research -checklist – testdrive’ approach, in that case?  Heck, yeah.

I could go on and on here.  Not just in the context of men and dating , but also looking at the other people I’ve allowed into my life that ended up being emotional vampires, or simply ‘bad energy’.  The more I connect to my truth and trust my gut, the better I get at ‘car shopping’ as it relates to meeting others. Whether they are business relationships, potential clients, or personal acquaintances and friends – I’m aware of when I ‘impulse buy’. 

But, let’s go back to  dating.  Think about the energy and perhaps self-esteem you might protect if you begin to approach your dating life like  you are buying your next vehicle.  Imagine that you’ve been driving a Honda civic for the past 10 years, and you are (hooray!) shopping for an upgrade: a car that you’ve been waiting for. Ready for.  Yes, this will be a stellar relationship.

Think of the checklist and test drive process -Sylvia highlights some great points here:

• Does he make you feel better or worse about yourself?
• Does he have more real friends than you do, or fewer?
• Does he place a higher or lower value than you do on honesty, integrity, and commitment?
• Is he closer to his family members or more estranged, than you are?
• Has he had more success with relationships or less?

Add on more of your own questions.  I do hope you have some. = )  What is so important (and what Sylvia notes, too, actually) is to pay close attention to his behavior.  Does it match who he says he is? And if it doesn’t, believe the behavior!   It’s like  test driving a used car that has a sticker saying ‘Well – maintained’, and it breaks down on you before you return to the lot!  You wouldn’t buy that car, would you?  Some of us have been known to believe the sticker. ‘But it says…!’

Ahhh….cars. Men.  Let’s move on to …shoes!

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman, 
This question has  come up a lot recently, as I wrote in the Part 1 post on this topic.

I think there’s a few things at play with this, and, as much as we want a clear line – a Yes or No – this isn’t one of those, unfortunately.

However, I think that the general answer to this is  NO.   It’s not going to kill a romance that’s meant to happen, or turn a guy off that you’re initially meeting, if you let it be known that you have some interest.   It’s flattering!  Men apprecitate receiving  compliments and flattery, too.  And they don’t necessarily mind having some assistance in making the first move.  It takes some pressure off, in fact.

AND, it’s all in the delivery:

- Are you confidently letting someone know you have interest = he senses or hears or sees a ‘Welcome’ sign with you?

-And, are you doing so in a way that still keeps your self-respect and your desire to be pursued and courted in tact?

Again , the general rule, in my experience and in surveying men, is No – no conflict of interest in making your interest known.   Yes, only you can answer these most genuinely for yourself = you are the best judge of what’s comfortable for you, what the situation is feeling like, what the energy is.

I’m not a fan of the Rules book.   Heck, I moved in with my husband after 4 months of dating.  And I was a woman that mouthed about how after living with a boyfriend in my twenties - next time, I would wait for a commitment.  I wanted to have (perceived) control over the outcome going forward, as the stakes felt much higher to me at 35.

But, I made that decision on what I sensed, felt, heard, saw and just knew.  All with the understanding with myself that I could afford to take the risk.  It’s always good to ask yourself what the worst case scenario would be, and do you feel that you could deal with it (of course you can, but our ego can be running the show here).

How showing interest might look:

- Handing a guy your card as you leave a conversation and say something like, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you…I’d be interested in continuing conversation over coffee sometime if you’d like to.”

-Smiling and giving great eye contact, along with other body language that indicates that you are approachable and potentially interested.

-Connecting with someone via Facebook and sending a friendly note.

-Simply asking him for a date!

Just remember, if you are a woman who wants to be pursued and courted, you want this to be conveyed through your actions and reactions, so that the message is clear.  No mixed messages.  This is true whether you get asked out, or do the asking.

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Hey Savvy Woman,

There’s so much coming out these days on Mind Set, isn’t there?   You’ve probably read or seen The Secret, or at least heard of the Law of Attraction.   Essentially, one large contributing factor of this law, and what brings success to the application of it, is a Positive Mind Set.  One’s thoughts, beliefs and feelings comprise your ‘frequency’ = how you’re vibrating.   Is it Positive?

Positive thoughts equals positive feelings = your vibration increases.   And, per this Law,  Like attracts Like.

Experiencing the powerful effects of positive mind set through my life, and, especially as I got hold of Law Of Attraction and experienced on amazing levels how it truly works,  Positivity is one of the tenants of Being Love Savvy.

It’s not rocket science to observe how the impact of holding a positive attitude with others impacts your interactions and experience, versus the opposite, right?   We’ve all been there.   You’re with a negative-minded friend, and despite the delicious food you shared, or even the good movie you saw  – you leave her and notice yourself feeling e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.   Otherwise known as toxicity, this negative muck has you feeling like you’re sinking in quicksand.  

On the flip side, think about how you feel when you spend time, or even rub elbows, with a positive person.  It’s intoxicating.  It’s uplifting.  Perhaps if you went in to the exchange a little tired, a little agitated,  you notice that you leave it feeling energized. 

This translates most directly into dating and relationships, my savvy friends, as you may well know.   How often have you felt disinterested in someone because he or she just seemed….well, negative?  A downer.  Not so much, huh?

Again, not rocket-science.    But, I’ll tell you,  Positivity shows up in many ways, some of which are not necessarily all verbally given.   Here’s a short list of a few:

• A smile and eye contact
• Supportive, encouraging words
• Openness – approachability, even with body language (no crossing of arms, turning of back)
• Interest – Curiosity in the other person
• Avoidance of gossip or caddy comments
• Laughing, humor (if used in an uplifting way)

Now, if you’re in relationship – how much of this are you doing with your S.O.??   Take inventory, and make sure that your comfort levels haven’t seduced you into the lower-self behaviors of negativity.

Make sure to put yourself in a positive  circle of influence.  Because it rubs off. And with those in your life (certain family members, colleagues, long-term friends) that aren’t so positive, protect your energy and mind-set with structures that help reduce toxic residue:  limit conversations, schedule interactions for a low-stress, low-impact time, and be the bigger person by not jumping in to agree with negative thinking or attitude.

Then, notice the dividends that Positivity pays.   They’re priceless, actually.

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

It’s been a theme this week – clients, friends, new aquaintences - all asking about the concept of approaching men and showing interest.  

One client is on E-Harmony, and is reticent on ’approaching’ a guy online because she’s a woman who really wants to be pursued and doesn’t want to send off the wrong message.

A friend and I were hanging out with my husband Larry – actually on our way to his favorite place in the world other than next to me of course = ) – the golf course – and she asked about what to do when you’re in conversation with someone , you need to leave, and he hasn’t asked for the number.  

 At an event just last night, I met a woman who shared that she was in a dilemma: she felt like she had put out a lot of energy to a new guy.  She seemed a little remorseful, a little curious, a little excited.   It wasn’t yet disastrous – he had just called her that afternoon.  But clearly, she seemed as if she was walking a tightrope. 

All of these scenarios beg the question:  is it a conflict of interest to show interest in a guy?   Will it send a message that I’m an aggressive woman, who doesn’t want to be pursued… courted…. and, let’s face it… cherished?

Stay tuned for Part 2.

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

What if you knew that…..

• you are right where you are suppose to be , right this minute
• you can’t make a mistake, because there are none -life is comprised of continual lessons
• you only have control over yourself, and your reactions
• you are absolutely, purely, completely loved, as you are – always

Would you date differently?

Might you feel ….

• lighter, looser, and more accepting of YOU?
• more courageous to show up on dates and in relationship in a very true, bright and bold version of YOU?
• safe to explore desires, honor and develop boundaries, and express YOURSELF?
• LOVED?

Read this over again.  Feel into this.  Then, step into this on your next date, or if in relationship, your next interaction with your sweetie.  Slip into this mental state.  This is pure TRUTH.  This is WHAT IS.  We just forget.   And then we remember.   When we ACT from this place, it is pure BEAUTY and STRENGTH.   Soooooo LOVELY.   You get to  RELAX.   Watch what happens.

Ahhh…..

With love,

From my savvy heart to yours ~

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

I’ll never forget the day. I walked out of my then boyfriend’s place, who lived 3,000 miles from me, calling the airline and catching a flight days earlier than I was scheduled to travel home.  The customer representative must have been whispered to by an angel.  I hear her on the other end of the line say, ‘Yes, Ms. Stewart, it’s your lucky day. I can get you on this flight. And …it looks like there is a gentleman sitting next to you.  Hopefully he’s available and attractive…(giggle).”  How did she know that I had just learned (unverified at that time, but I knew) that my boyfriend had been cheating on me and that I was feeling all of an inch tall??  I took this as a sign, a sign that despite walking out with no notice (like he deserved any!?) which I was sadly questioning at that moment, and feeling like my heart and soul had gone bankrupt overnight, there was a Greater Plan. I’m certain that it was the reassuring tone in her voice that helped me to move on and fly home that day, rather than collapse in fear and despair, and denial.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Well, I heard Christina Agluiera’s, “Fighter”, on the radio the other day, and it took me back to this time and particular experience in my life, and the learning that resulted. After all of that went down, she would come on the radio, singing this song, and I would turn it up and sing along, feeling her anger, her resolve and her strength.  It was the injection that I needed at the time; a ‘surface’ ointment to help my healing wound.

 After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
Cause if it wasnt for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it [Chorus:]
Makes me that much stonger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for makin me a fighter

I am always a sucker for silver linings, this is for sure. I didn’t see one at the time, but years later, I revel in the absolute sterling quality of it.  At the time, this song helped me to feel my anger, both at him and at myself, and to acknowledge that there was a hard line now being drawn: no more hiding behind someone else and settling for less than I deserved.  The song reminds me of all the Greater Plans of life. I don’t get the same charge that I did even several years afterward, when I would hear it come on the radio. Today when I hear it, it’s as if my wiser self lovingly nudges my old, younger self (an oxymoron, but accurate) and says, “See Les, I told you the Greater Plan would present itself.”  

For all of you Savvy women who are questioning the ‘WHY?’ around a failed relationship, or event, that is leaving you feeling great loss, anger, despair – please know that I feel your pain – I truly empathize. I hope you find solace in the cliché and Truth: things happen for a reason. There always is a Greater Plan.

From my savvy heart to yours,

Leslie

The Savvy Woman’s Love Coach

www.BeLoveSavvy.com