Dear Savvy Woman,

BTW, although ’savvy’ can be synonymous with ’shrewd’, I chose it in my brand for another synonymous word, ‘understanding’.  A savvy woman has understanding.  A savvy woman understands that to ‘be love’ is to receive love. To love oneself and look within transforms what one experiences on the outside.

That was on my mind - thanks to a tweet on Twitter from someone picking it apart, which helped me - and wanted to share.

Ok, so on to Inviting Your Beloved In.  This subject comes from my ‘advice column’ (if you have a question, send it to my assistant at assist@belovesavvy.com, and I’ll answer you here in my blog!), where a savvy woman wrote to me about my opinion on FWB, knowing as she had read, that I don’t promote a FWB relationship as helpful if you’re ready for your beloved.

Dear Leslie,

….I have a question: why exactly is it so crucial to cut of FWB? I read in one of your recent newsletters that that is one of the important steps to take in manifesting my life partner.

I have an ex-boyfriend who is basically my best friend. We talk or email nearly every day and support each other in dating other people/editing our profiles, etc. He’s been so helpful for me in demystifying the man’s perspective. We completely love each other as friends and human beings, and we have sex once in a while in a really loving and respectful way….

Thanks so much!!

“Beth”

Dear “Beth”,

I’m glad you wrote, because I know this is a topic that many can relate to.  I’m going to communicate what has been true in my own experience, as well as what many may agree with - yet you and others may not.  So, I’ll speak for what’s worked for me and many women that I know.

You must make room for your beloved in your life, as if he’s already here.  Feng Shui experts suggest placing a nightstand on the other side of the bed for him.  Similar to that physical representation of a ‘welcome’ mat in your bedroom, there must be a big, bold ‘welcome’ mat in your heart and in your energy-field. 

Now, perhaps you are a unique woman who feels after sleeping with this Ex (which I don’t classify as a ’FWB’ -friends with benefits- it’s an Ex) you feel empowered to go out and meet other men, and you feel more open & available for connection with other men than if you didn’t have this relationship with, let’s call him, Eric. 

Most women in your shoes can’t separate (I know I couldn’t, as much as I would fool myself. Eventually the love-high wore, and the hangover would settle in).  They may not be conscious of it , but in some way, shape or form, the ‘Erics’ in their lives take up space.  The coaster and glass of water, watch, and cell phone are on the ‘guest’ nightstand - and your beloved wonders, ‘Who’s here?’. 

Beleive me, I’m not saying you need to remain celebate and not enjoy the pleasure of male energy and company. But it needs to be ‘clean’ energy.  I don’t like FWB - or Ex’s -because they’re not ‘clean’.  Are they a friend, or are they a lover? Are they someone you once and/or now wanted more from? In your case, it’s an Ex, which is more than a friend if you’re in intimate emotional and physcial contact (which you are currently in both).

I’m a huge advocate for taking a lover, if you stay hyper-conscious of keeping it ‘clean’.  A lover with no strings.  A lover who is not a friend, who you didn’t once date and get to know more intimately and mundanely - no strings.  Somone who remains ‘clean’ in your life, aka, doesn’t socialize with you or your friends, doesn’t court or date you, and doesn’t spend the night and use the nightstand.  Sound rigid? I’m sure.  But this form of relationship doesn’t take up ANY space other than some physical intimacy -which - in and of itself is cause for most women to form attachment and bonds to - typically prematurely and inappropriately so. 

When I read your email, Beth, I immediately wondered why you and Eric aren’t together and committed - the way you desire for with a beloved - based on your description of your relationship as it is today.  If either or both of you have long decided that it’s a NO, then you must get really honest with yourself here.  As difficult as it is, we often hold on in a seemingly harmless way, when truly the person we love (and can continue to love, as love never dies) we need to let go of - the form of relationship needs to change.  Many of us fool ourselves into believing that because we don’t have a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘husband’, and that the form with an Ex has changed somewhat, we’re truly available to our beloved (who is on his way to you) - when we’re not.  The water is muddied, the lines are a bit blurred.  We’re afraid to ‘burn the ships’ because what if our Beloved - another ship - doesn’t come?

My advice: stop sleeping with Eric immediately, and think about taking  month break from contact, being really honest as to why.  Try it out.  Notice what you miss.  Take exquisite care of yourself. Reach out to others. After a month, what’s there? What’s there for Eric?  If you are not to be together as partners, you need to be prepared to grieve this form of the relationship, give space for it to change,  and roll out a bigger welcome mat for your Beloved.

With love and understanding,

Leslie

www.BeLoveSavvy.com