Dear Savvy Woman,

This week I’m writing daily with a tip each day geared to women in relationship.  I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts, and especially your challenges, so please send them my way via this blog or DM me on Twitter @LoveSavvyLeslie. 

Relationship Tip #1 ~ Be The Solution

We all know how easy it is to point the finger at the other person in a relationship, or situation.  Just as a manager wants her employees to come bearing solutions, not just problems, you and your relationship will benefit when you step into the perspective of ‘What Can I Give Here?’.   Now, I don’t mean always taking the burden of blame and responsibility, and becoming some over-giving robot, *far from*.   But what I know to be true is that whenever we feel something is lacking in a situation, we can choose to lean into it – rather than step away and wait for the situation to change on it’s own and from the other person- and show up before we give up.

For instance, if I feel like I am wanting more appreciation from my husband, I can sit and think thoughts of what he is doing wrong, what I don’t receive that I’d like to, etc.  But that just impacts me negatively (at least when I start stewing ;-)), and in turn us.  What I can choose to do instead is begin flowing appreciation to myself, my experience in today, life, etc , and then to him.   I can then decide to take an action that I know he appreciates from me – even though I started in the place of wanting him to ‘show me’.  By doing so, not only do I end up feeling better about myself (what can be underneath the need to have him appreciate me)  but it always shifts something for us, and he’ll get into his own appreciation-mode if that’s truly been lacking.  Now, this can be *excruciating* at times (our ego’s at work), and it can feel a lot easier (and sometimes it’s warranted) to simply point a finger! Trust me, I know.  And I know that ultimately we feel better knowing we’ve given a situation, and a relationship, the best of us.

Love,

Leslie

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

Tip # 4 ~  Always play an honest game of cards without revealing your entire hand

I notice in the dating process – and I was guilty of it too – is that women (and men!) sometimes tend to either show their entire hand by date 4 - ‘I want to be married by X date,  2.5 kids in which the names are already picked by the way, I have a funny habit about X, and I feel really insecure about you going on that boys trip next month’ – or keep their cards so tight to the vest, and cheat through the game, that they repel and sabotage the organic and necessary flow of getting to know someone, and the opportunity to sink into a healthy relationship.  Learning to be somewhere in the middle ensures that you won’t, as Dr. Phil says, risk more than you’re willing to lose, and yet still get – and stay – in the ‘game’.

The more that you listen and trust yourself, the easier it is to navigate this process.

As a beautiful card that I once bought myself says, “Listen from within.  Your heart knows the way.”

xo,

Leslie

www.BeLoveSavvy.com

Dear Savvy Woman,

Sometimes I have too many ideas on what to write about.  Today, what kept coming back in to my thoughts was the struggle that we can have when we’re ‘cleaning house’ – making changes – in our lives, because this process and space can be really, really UNCOMFORTABLE at times.  

If you look at this on the level of the world – ie. our Global Economy, and our national ‘j-0-b’ market, there’s been a lot of ‘cleaning house’ – hasn’t there?  A forced cleaning. And we, right now, are sitting in that uncomfortable place, watching to see what’s created as our economy slowly rebounds and with that, Corporate America begins to respond and begins to hire again.

In a similar fashion, yet often by choice, we as individuals have to say ‘NO’ to things to create the space for the ‘YES’s to arrive in our lives.  Sometimes that’s a person, place or thing.  AND, what I know to be true, is that we also have to look within.  We must also look at who we are BE-ing , and who we want to BEcome, in order to create the powerful shifts and results that our hearts and minds seek.  So, we have to create space by looking at ways of being within ourselves that no longer serve who we are becoming – and want to become.

For instance, a woman desires a relationship. She’s been alone for a while. She’s ready. On some level, whether conscious or unconscious, she gathers what she would absolutely love to experience in this relationship – and in life within this relationship (the YES).  Because she’s lonely, she still hooks up occasionallywithan old boyfriend, and she dates men that reveal to her red flags out the gate – and qualities that don’t align with what she desires in a partner.  The most important aspect of this behavior, though, is that she feels less-than as a result.  She’s not receiving what she desires, yet she’ll *continue* to keep company with them because the NEW hasn’t arrived, despite feeling less-than after the rendez-vous or disappointment within herself after she accepts a third date request from a mulitple red-flag guy.

It can be so difficult sometimes to say the ‘NO’ (no more…), especially when the ‘ante’ feels raised like  the example above = a longed-for relationship.

And, we can’t grow if we don’t get uncomfortable.  I use to see my own discomfort as a signal that perhaps I was heading down the wrong path.  Today I am well aware that growth – and creating what we want in life – can have times of discomfort.  Our discomfort is often a very important SIGN that we are creating space for NEW. That we’re ‘on-track’!

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this process and the sometimes-discomfort:

-  Notice if a person, place or thing feels ‘negative’, or that you might feel depleted or negative upon leaving them, it, or after a behavior of your own (like saying Yes to other’s when you want to say No).   If the answer is s a YES, then it needs to be a NO.  But what’s around the corner?  Your NO to what’s in front of you will light the way.  It’s a leap of Faith, and it will pay off in spades.

- Remember that there is a YES behind your NO – the Yes to yourself and what you’re creating.  This is huge for riding the wave of discomfort as you stay true to yourself. For example, you’ve decided that you’re not going to pursue interviewing in a particular industry (every time you do you get a big NO inside – you know it’s no longer a fit for you in a huge way).  But it’s really uncomfortable, for many reasons: a) you need a job b) it’s really easy to get interviews in this field c) your ego gets stroked because you’re experienced d) all of the above.    REMEMBER THE YES.   The YES here may be the 10+ year longed-for career change into the area that those close to you say they can see you in, and more importantly you know on some level you belong in.  The YES here is about saying YES to your dreams.  Keeping you healthier and happier. 

-Be really, REALLY kind and gentle to yourself along the way.  Self-love.  It’s the elixir of life.  The more we are accepting, nurturing, and trusting of ourselves, the easier life flows before us.  If you’re a big bad-talker of yourself, stop NOW.  Words are huge, especially those we say silently to ourselves = our thoughts.   So, be kind.  No one can love you better, nor create the life of your dreams. 

From my savvy heart to yours ~

Leslie

www.BeLoveSavvy.com